Snapshots of my life - (best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

Friday, June 29, 2007
after a long hiatus

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKKK.
feelings and emotions are running wild within me and im not really feeling very good, even after that entertaining session at annabelle's. while im so glad/relieved/happy that the exams are over, im totally sad/depressed about the results that im going to get. AND im really really feeling very regretful/annoyed/disgusted at myself and my performance during the exams.

LIKE WHY AM I SUCH A BIG IDIOT. i am RIPPING myself to bits and asking myself WHY DIDNT I STUDY HARDER? im PRACTICALLY on my ROAD to getting KICKED OUT of TA. i really hate myself. all the questions that i left blank during this entire week of JCTs are starring at me taunting me and i cant even bear to think about it. why. why. why. why. HUH ANGELINE, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT? i feel like just running away from these problems and hide in a dark corner, curled up in a ball.

do you know how badly i just feel like crying right now? and why is it that i cant cry? WHY. i feel like screaming and shouting, i feel like scratching and banging myself against the wall. (ok, im starting to get a little worried for my mental state as i start thinking violent thoughts) BUT WHAT CAN ALL THESE DO? nothing. it wont change the fact that im just gonna do so badly in my JCTs. it wont change the fact that my parents are going to be so disappointed in me. (even though they've been told to expect the worst) it wont change the fact that i might very well get kicked out of TA this year. why. W-H-Y. the word why in itself is starting to bug me now. i hate this. this mess i so willingly pushed myself into.
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the holidays were very fulfilling. not in the oh-i-studied-so-hard sense, nor in the yes-i-did-many-things way, it was spiritually fulfilling. and im really glad.

obs was pretty fun i must say, EXCLUDING the parts that i fell sick, which just leaves the first 2 days HAHA. those 2 days were the easiest i'll say. trust games, inverse tower [i call it the cool height thingy], kayaking 101 - mmmmm, those were great!the trekking and proper kayaking though, werent so great.
like, for trekking, i carried this really heavy bag with the tent inside. i mean, ugh, did calvin have to stuff it in? but then again, i am glad he did, cos at least my arms were free to use the camping stick. :S plus sleeping in a tent was also ok. with my sleeping bad, no less. heh.
for kayaking, i was in a leaky kayak feeling sick & VERY tired. but anyway, thanks to my fever & high temperature, i was stopped (rescued, i say) from kayaking, hence xuan zheng didnt have to suffer with the leaky kayak & me. Xd

but yeah, im glad that i went to obs. it was an eye-opening experience and im so glad that i wont have to go through it again. (: OH OH, but im so thankful for the Missions Training Week that im so thankful my parents let me attend. it was definitely eye-opening, with the Full Flame series that we went through. the lessons we learnt were great. everything, from the urgency of spreading the Word to how we are nothing without Jesus, it was just an awesome. i truly learnt a LOT more than i thought i would. plus, it developed in me the habit to pray daily, & i've been doing pretty well, i think! :D the fellowship was also great-playing all those endless card games!

moreover, after it all, when i went home & reflected on stuff, it woke me up to some of the things i hadnt wanted to recognise as sin. AND it reminded me about the stuff that i had read in "Authentic Beauty" [thanks again to dawn, huiqi + pris] that i was at first reluctant to do.

i mean, when i read the first chapter or so, my only thoughts were just: wow, thank goodness i dont live in America. it's just freaky there. but then, as i read on, it started touching on sensitive issues and i was really scared & didnt feel prepared to do anything, and so stopped reading. but yeah, thanks to this "camp", i did feel ready to slowly clear out all that junk that'd been stopping me from being lily white in the presence of God(main theme of book). and it's been real hard. but im trying. slowly trying. it's gonna be SO LABORIOUS, because underneath me, there are a LOT of issues to settle. starting with pride-sigh.
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OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! the Heroes cast is coming to Singapore on 31st August/ 1st September (as quoted by their website) to promote their season 1 dvd. SO EXCITING. i really do hope milo ventimiglia comes. i mean, he will be on the tour, but he might not stop over here cos the cast will be visiting like so many cities. sigh. i cant believe heores on star world is gonna end soon. then, that means i have no shows left to watch. wow. that'll be stunning & will feel vaguely empty for sure. oh well, at least then i can focus my energy on more important issues at hand, like my studies & exams. yeah, that sounds good. I MUST WORK HARD. and sleep early. and since it's 12.37am now, i think it's time to stop blogging. tooodles then~

PS: Dear Ruth, I know I promised you a post right after the exams, but due to the fact that I got distracted and have very poor time management skills, I will have to postpone this post. I will try my hardest to get it done by the end of June, but that may prove to be quite hard. BUT I WILL TRY. I hope you don't mind. Love, Angeline.

Written at 11:47 PM

thanks a ferrny

HUI FERN AH,

"According to the rules of the theme:People who are tagged should write a blog post of 7 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly.In the end, you need to choose 7 people to be tagged and list their names.Don’t forget to leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

1. Most people talk to themselves, like innerself to outerself. i have at least 2 people talking with me when i talk to myself. like, inner good vs inner bad to outer self. yes, i know im slightly off the hook with several screws loose.

2. I should NOT crush on a guy. NO COMMENTS.

3. I have this thing where i hate stepping in cracks. if i do, i have to step on another crack with my other leg to balance things out. but this is only when im noticing, if my mind is preoccupied with other things, i wouldnt notice it.

4. I'm really biased to like my right side. if like, say i accidentally hit my right arm against the wall, i would purposely hit my left side so that my right arm would feel erm, better. however, if i hit my left side, i wouldnt hit my right side though. heh. yeah, weird fact.

5. I used to want to be a popstar when i grew up, when i was like, 7-11 years old. but anyway, i think my voice sucks, so like yeah. oh well. LOL.

6. I really used to wonder if i was adopted, cos i dont exactly look a lot like my parents. but yeah, im not. like people saythat i look like either my mum or dad (it varies cos as i already said, i dont look a lot like my parents). plus anyway, i do think they're my true parents.

7. I really enjoy playing air guitar at home. i think it's loads of fun. :D

ok, FINALLY I AM DONE. man it's hard to think of 7 weird facts about me while talking to ruth.

and for the final part, 7 people who have been specially chosen to do this quiz: ruth, beiyi, nicole, naomi, jolyn, desiree & amanda.

toodles~

Written at 7:40 PM